Chapter 23
IT WAS YAN JUN’S birthday.
Yan Jun had first realized he liked guys in high school. At the time, the object of his affection was called Mu Zeng. They knew each other from the first year of junior high until their graduation. Mu Zeng was bright and soft-spoken, a first-rate guy, and he was careful not to reveal his true feelings for Yan Jun beyond being exceptionally nice to him.
Beginning in the first year of high school, Mu Zeng bought him breakfast, took notes for him, gave him shoes, and went traveling with him.
Mu Zeng’s parents were divorced, and he lived with his mother. A fair-skinned boy with pretty features, he was also sensitive, with emotions as delicate as a girl’s. He liked to write stories in his notebook and listen to classical music. His sense of aesthetics was great too, and he bought clothes for Yan Jun, taught him to appreciate art and music, and even tutored him in his studies.
Yan Jun, in his adolescence, was at an age where his protective instincts ran high. He took naturally to the role of looking after Mu Zeng.
The girls in their class often made fun of them, and after two years of being teased about it, their interactions began to resemble those of a young couple. If, at that time, Yan Jun had known to hit the brakes, things might have turned out differently. But he didn’t; it never occurred to him. He saw his desk mate as a younger brother.
In high school, Yan Jun applied to share a dorm room with him.
Once they started living together, Mu Zeng’s feelings seemed to become even more fragile, and like a couple, they began to bicker, make up, bicker… Friends did that too, though, and Yan Jun still thought of it simply as brotherly possessiveness. His buddy just happened to be very sensitive, that was all.
Sometimes, he found Mu Zeng unreasonable. He didn’t realize that Mu Zeng already considered Yan Jun his boyfriend and had just failed to make that explicit. In their sophomore year, Yan Jun was dealt a heavy blow: His father passed away due to illness. For almost six months, he was in extreme anguish, and in those dark times, Mu Zeng was there for him.
Yan Jun’s family was no longer complete, but Mu Zeng had been living with a similarly fragmented family for many years. They licked each other’s wounds and sought solace in their companionship.
One winter night, just after his eighteenth birthday, Yan Jun got drunk. When he returned to his dorm, he somehow ended up in bed with Mu Zeng.
Waking up the next morning, Yan Jun thought, Oh, fuck! What the hell have I done?! He had no understanding of sexual identity. He considered Mu Zeng his buddy, not realizing that Mu Zeng had been eyeing his “little buddy” all along. It came as a great shock to him.
Mu Zeng didn’t speak a word about what happened that night. After a few days, Yan Jun got over it, dismissing the episode of wild, bewildering feelings as an outrageous drunken romp and trying his best to return their relationship to what it was before. But before long, Mu Zeng launched another offensive. He was clever, while Yan Jun was clumsy and inexperienced. Yan Jun didn’t want to continue that way, but he also couldn’t bear to give up his five years of friendship with Mu Zeng.
They had sex again. Yan Jun was completely sober this time around, and could no longer make excuses to himself. Mu Zeng had been sulking in the dorm over a minor incident—Yan Jun didn’t wait for him at mealtime—and he hid under the covers and cried. Yan Jun, trying his best to placate him, ended up hugging him, which led to kissing him. In the end, Yan Jun had to admit that he was gay. He had feelings for guys, especially guys with a gentle temperament.
Guilt-ridden, he kept denying himself, but at the same time, he indulged in Mu Zeng’s tenderness… Mu Zeng had gotten what he wanted and went to great lengths to tie Yan Jun down. Yan Jun was a virgin, and Mu Zeng was his first love; after a show of reluctance, he agreed to be Mu Zeng’s boyfriend. He was terrified that his classmates and teachers would find out, though, and was racked with apprehension and uncertainty about his future.
Fortunately, Mu Zeng took the initiative to end the relationship. In their junior year of high school, he left for the UK without so much as a word. Deep down, Yan Jun was relieved, but he also felt a sense of loss.
This melancholy hit its peak when he prepared to visit Mu Zeng, only to learn that Mu Zeng had a white boyfriend now.
He was enraged, feeling deceived and betrayed. He wanted to tell Mu Zeng that he’d developed real feelings for him—and besides, whether his feelings were genuine or not, what kind of person ended things like that? Mu Zeng didn’t even tell him he was going abroad. He simply stopped contacting him during the summer between their sophomore and junior years and vanished.
Down the line, though, Yan Jun reflected on himself and realized that he hadn’t been forthcoming either. In the bedroom, Yan Jun was the top and Mu Zeng the bottom, but emotionally, Mu Zeng was the proactive one. Struggling with conflicted feelings, Yan Jun was always thinking about how to shake him off and resume a heterosexual—and conventional —lifestyle, one where he could date a girl, get married, have a child, and build a family, just like his older brother.
In the end, though, he didn’t just fail to return to straight life, he lost interest in girls completely. The only thing he accomplished was breaking up with Mu Zeng. In his senior year, he found that he was no longer attracted to the opposite sex, only to gentle, fair-skinned, clean-cut guys.
After his graduation, he went to Jiangdong City to join his older brother.
His family urged him to find a girlfriend and get married, and Yan Jun endured it in silence.
He had no love life, and his career was nothing to write home about either. Every day, he grabbed a few steamed buns and squeezed onto the subway to get jostled around, feeling like the walking dead. Then, his brother and sister-in-law were involved in a car accident, leaving behind an orphaned Xiao-Qi with no one to rely on. Yan Jun finally found a direction. He decided that it didn’t matter if he was single for the rest of his life. If he could raise Xiao-Qi into healthy adulthood, he would have fulfilled his purpose in the world.
Until, that was, he met Zhang Yuwen.
He was attracted to Zhang Yuwen from the moment he laid eyes on him. At first, this attraction was vague and hard to define, but it gradually sharpened and finally crystallized when they held their respective guns, aimed at each other across a vast expanse of forest, and looked into each other’s eyes. It was as if the windows to their souls had opened to each other.
They shared a special kind of rapport that manifested in all aspects of their lives. Even after Huo Sichen entered the picture, Yan Jun still believed this. It was what his intuition told him. And before long, it became clear to Yan Jun that he was head over heels. Zhang Yuwen’s striking looks, polite but not zealous temperament, open-minded and optimistic personality, and sense of humor… All of it had him hooked.
Yan Jun had an inferiority complex. Whether it was the low self-esteem of a country bumpkin in the big city, the inadequacies of his own shallow intellect against the erudite Zhang Yuwen, or the self-consciousness of his dull soul butting up against a charming one, his insecurities piled up until they crushed his unyielding heart. It made him too timid to express his feelings to Zhang Yuwen or pursue him.
And he had to admit that Huo Sichen and Zhang Yuwen were a good match. Huo Sichen was rich, good-looking, and interesting. If Yan Jun had been more like Huo Sichen, he would’ve pulled out all the stops to charm Zhang Yuwen. Sometimes, he even fantasized about being a social elite so that he could go wild pursuing Zhang Yuwen on equal footing. As it was, though, he had to hide his feelings carefully.
He was a little envious of Huo Sichen, but he also looked down on him. Intuition told him that Huo Sichen was devious. And at the same time, he doubted that Zhang Yuwen’s affection for Huo Sichen would last.
Yan Jun had observed Zhang Yuwen and Huo Sichen on the train ride to the hot spring earlier. They sat together, engaging in simple conversation, but no matter how he looked at it, they didn’t seem like a couple. The longer he watched Zhang Yuwen, the surer he was. It was only when Xiao-Qi walked over that he snapped out of it. When Zhang Yuwen picked her up, he looked over at Yan Jun, and they shared a smile.
These small interactions brought him an unprecedented happiness.
They reminded him of his high school romance… No, this was even more soul-stirring than that. He hadn’t loved Mu Zeng with such passion.
Yan Jun often found himself simmering with torment, and while it wasn’t intense, it slowly eroded his self-control. Often, just as he thought Zhang Yuwen was about to pair up with Huo Sichen, Zhang Yuwen would take the initiative to walk over to him instead. Take just now, for example:
He was outside playing with Xiao-Qi, and the first thing Zhang Yuwen did on leaving his room was come over to him.
“Let’s go for dinner, Capricorn,” Zhang Yuwen said.
Yan Jun made a hushing gesture, signaling him to keep it from the others. “I have social anxiety,” he confessed. “For heaven’s sake, please don’t bring out a cake later.”
“All right.” Zhang Yuwen laughed. “I’ll spare you that.”
The dinner was a lavish feast of barbecue and hot pot. Since it was New Year’s Eve, the resort also prepared some special dishes. Worried that the six of them wouldn’t get enough to eat, Zhang Yuwen planned to add in some extra dishes, but the resort had accurately estimated their capacity for food. The portions were generous on top of the food itself being exquisite. Xiao-Qi even got her own children’s special.
They all watched the New Year’s Eve gala as they dug into their meal. Huo Sichen treated everyone to drinks, and they tactfully refrained from probing into his relationship with Zhang Yuwen. While the mood was lively, it was also a little odd. Chang Jinxing and Zhang Yuwen conversed nonstop, sitting so close they were shoulder to shoulder, while Zheng Weize entertained Xiao-Qi and chatted with Chen Hong.
Meanwhile, Huo Sichen drank with Yan Jun, downing glass after glass.
Occasionally, Zhang Yuwen heard Yan Jun’s voice. “You’re pretty successful…” Huo Sichen patted Yan Jun, a bit tipsy himself. “And how would you know?” Then something occurred to him, and he glanced at Zhang Yuwen, who was typing something on his phone to show Chang Jinxing.
It took a moment for Zhang Yuwen to glance over at them. “Go easy on the alcohol, you two,” he reminded them. He didn’t want to have to clean up the rooms if someone got sick later.
“We’re good,” said Huo Sichen. “This isn’t strong stuff.”
Zhang Yuwen was asking Chang Jinxing what had happened the night before, since it seemed like he had a falling out with Zheng Weize.
Chang Jinxing typed: I showed him my new gf.
Zhang Yuwen eyed Chang Jinxing skeptically, and Chang Jinxing pulled up a photo of a gorgeous girl to show him. Zhang Yuwen raised an inquiring eyebrow: Was it true?
Chang Jinxing waved his hand. She was only one of his clients.
Zhang Yuwen understood then that Chang Jinxing had just wanted to stop Zheng Weize from getting his hopes up, so he wouldn’t end up hurt in the long run.
Huo Sichen and Yan Jun began to play finger-guessing games as they drank, although they were restrained and didn’t make too much noise.
Xiao-Qi started to get sleepy around half past eight.
“Is it Xiao-Qi’s bedtime…?” asked Zhang Yuwen. “Yan Jun! Huo Sichen! Why did you drink so much?”
There were several empty bottles in front of them. Huo Sichen was slumped over the dining table, and Yan Jun’s eyes were glazed over as he replied, “S’fine. It’s fine. I’ll carry Xiao-Qi back now…” Zheng Weize laughed. “Are we still watching the New Year’s fireworks later?”
Zhang Yuwen suspected Yan Jun of deliberately trying to get Huo Sichen drunk, and he was a little angry with him. Of course, since his drinking capacity was about the same as Huo Sichen’s, Yan Jun had ended up getting drunk too.
“I’ll take them back,” offered Chen Hong.
“Then I’ll take care of Sichen,” Zhang Yuwen said.
So Zheng Weize carried Xiao-Qi back to Crane Hall while Zhang Yuwen tried to pull Huo Sichen, who pushed him away, hollering. “I can still drink! Yan Jun! Yan Jun!”
Yan Jun, who Chen Hong was supporting back to his room, turned around when he heard the shouts.
“Let’s go already!” Chen Hong said loudly. “You two are crazy to drink so much.”
Chang Jinxing lent a helping hand. Zhang Yuwen thought it was fortunate they were all guys, or this situation would have been hell to manage.
Just as they were about to leave, the bill came: ¥3,000 worth of alcohol. Zhang Yuwen was speechless.
In the corridor, Huo Sichen shoved Chang Jinxing away and hugged Zhang Yuwen. “L-listen to me,” he mumbled. Mischievously, Chang Jinxing grabbed a handful of snow and stuffed it into Huo Sichen’s collar, eliciting a yell.
“Jinxing!” Zhang Yuwen said angrily.
Chang Jinxing ran off laughing, and Zhang Yuwen half-dragged, half-carried Huo Sichen, trying to make it back to the room. But Huo Sichen sank to his knees and clung to Zhang Yuwen’s leg.
“I’m so sorry, Yuwen,” he said, sounding sincere. “I didn’t want this. I really don’t…” Zhang Yuwen was flummoxed. He looked doubtfully at Huo Sichen. Chang Jinxing, who was a distance ahead, suddenly looked back at them.
“Sorry about what?” Zhang Yuwen asked. Huo Sichen bowed his head, looking like he was going to lie down right there in the corridor. “It’s too cold here. Let’s go back to the room.”
“I’m sorry…” Huo Sichen was acting like a child who knew he’d done something wrong.
Chang Jinxing slowly walked back toward them, but Zhang Yuwen waved a hand to tell him it was okay.
Meanwhile, Chen Hong helped Yan Jun into his room.
“I like Yuwen!” Yan Jun shouted. “Yuwen! I love you!”
“Shhh!” Chen Hong and Zheng Weize slapped their hands over Yan Jun’s mouth in fear that Zhang Yuwen might hear him. That would have been embarrassing. This was the first Zheng Weize was hearing of this, and he looked at Chen Hong in shock.
“Xiao-Qi… Go look after her,” Chen Hong said. They didn’t just have to supervise Yan Jun, they also needed to take care of his daughter, putting them in a little bit of a predicament.
Yan Jun lay on his side on the ground, mumbling to himself, utterly wasted. “I like you… Yeah, I like you… I didn’t have the courage to tell you…” The commotion woke Xiao-Qi up, and the sight of her father dead drunk for the first time startled her so much that she began to bawl. Zheng Weize couldn’t placate her no matter what he tried. Yan Jun, meanwhile, stared at Xiao-Qi without saying a word. After a while, Xiao-Qi crawled toward Yan Jun. Silently, he hugged her tight to his chest and closed his eyes.
Seeing this, Zheng Weize started crying instead. “Why are you crying?” sputtered Chen Hong, who had been preparing milk for Xiao-Qi.
“It’s nothing.” Zheng Weize just found it heartbreaking. There was someone else in the house who had a secret crush but didn’t have the courage to confess. He understood Yan Jun’s sorrow completely, and when he thought about his own situation, he cried even harder.
“Oh, dear.” Chen Hong handed the bottle to Xiao-Qi, at the end of his rope.
Outside Crane Hall, Zhang Yuwen finally succeeded in getting Huo Sichen through the doors. “How’s Yan Jun?” he asked the others.
“Yuwen!” Yan Jun snapped to his senses. “You… Take care of Xiao-Qi! I’ll leave her to you!” Zhang Yuwen was speechless.
“Yan Jun’s a little out of his head right now,” said Chen Hong.
“Don’t engage him.”
“Do you know how many bottles they drank?” Zhang Yuwen asked.
“No, how many?”
Yan Jun fumbled his attempt at lifting Xiao-Qi up. She looked confused. “Xiao-Qi…only recognizes you! Yuwen, help me take care of her.”
“Six bottles of sake,” said Zhang Yuwen. “Okay! I got you, go and sleep.”
Zhang Yuwen took Xiao-Qi. She didn’t cry this time, instead drinking her milk quietly as she looked at Zhang Yuwen.
“I’m exhausted,” Chen Hong groaned. “Let’s go and lie down already.”
“I’ll look after them both,” Zheng Weize offered. “You should go and check on Huo Sichen.”
Yan Jun lay in the corner, and Zhang Yuwen dimmed the light.
Zhang Yuwen hugged Xiao-Qi until she fell asleep, then set her down on the other side of the bed so that Yan Jun wouldn’t roll over and squash her.
“Leave the door open,” Zhang Yuwen said. “Call me anytime if you need anything.”
“Okay,” Zheng Weize said softly. “Don’t worry.”
Zhang Yuwen returned to his room just as Chen Hong emerged from it. Chen Hong signaled that Huo Sichen was fine. “We’ll leave our door open too,” he said.
“Thanks.”
He went in to check on Huo Sichen, who lay under the bedding with his long legs poking out. He reeked of alcohol. Zhang Yuwen was worried he might vomit, so he turned him on his side. But when he reached out to turn him by the shoulder, he realized Huo Sichen’s eyes were wide open.
Is he crying?! Zhang Yuwen could hardly believe it. He understood how easy it was to get emotional after drinking, especially when a guy was under a lot of stress, but Zhang Yuwen had never been this drunk before.
Huo Sichen’s tears streamed soundlessly down his cheeks. Zhang Yuwen wiped them off with the quilt.
“What’s wrong?” he whispered.
Huo Sichen turned around and looked at Zhang Yuwen as if he didn’t recognize him. Zhang Yuwen cradled Huo Sichen’s upper body in his arms, and Huo Sichen hugged him tight, his breath hitching as he sobbed.
Zhang Yuwen didn’t know what to say. He knew that Huo Sichen was hiding something from him, but surely nothing this dire, right? Maybe it was just work stress? Huo Sichen cried for a long time, leaning into Zhang Yuwen’s arms without saying a word. He just kept weeping until he fell asleep.
This was the first time Zhang Yuwen had seen this side of Huo Sichen. Men didn’t often show their vulnerabilities to anyone else, after all. Huo Sichen’s emotional release stirred a strong sense of protectiveness in Zhang Yuwen. Everyone had moments of vulnerability, himself included, and everyone needed a gentle harbor in which to seek refuge.
That night, those who weren’t drunk were very busy. Chang Jinxing volunteered to move to Yan Jun’s room to help Zheng Weize look after him and Xiao-Qi, and Chen Hong came over a few times in the night to check on them. At midnight, New Year’s fireworks began to light up the sky, but no one went out to watch them. Zhang Yuwen stayed quietly in his room, reminiscing about his childhood. His grandparents had once brought him to this resort for New Year’s, and even after his grandfather passed away, Zhang Yuwen had come with his grandmother.
It hadn’t been that long, but it felt like a lifetime ago.
He wondered what his grandparents would say if they were around to see the way he lived now. Would they accept Huo Sichen?
Huo Sichen turned around in the silent night and hugged Zhang Yuwen. Zhang Yuwen tried to adjust his position, but Huo Sichen had him in a vice grip, like a drowning man grasping a buoy.
Even at a time like this, Huo Sichen could get aroused… Zhang Yuwen didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. He touched Huo Sichen through his underwear, but Huo Sichen didn’t wake up. So big, Zhang Yuwen thought. I can’t let him be the top.
He grasped Huo Sichen’s equipment with one hand and his own in the other for comparison. Huo Sichen’s was indeed bigger, and it was rock-hard too. The only fly in the ointment was that he came too fast— roughly ten minutes, based on today’s benchmark.
Huo Sichen stirred. Zhang Yuwen withdrew his hand and patted him to let him continue to sleep.
Outside, the sounds of fireworks and the countdown filled the air.
Everyone’s phone screens lit up with congratulatory messages, flooding in one after another in the silent night, like fireworks blooming in succession.
Another year had passed.